It’s Bible thumpin’ gone wild as people start getting sliced up faster than fresh apple pie with John Hough’s 80’s cult flick “American Gothic.” Cynthia (Sarah Torgov) is along for the ride as a grieving mother who just lost her baby in a bathtub accident. Her friends, a group of plaid advocates decide to vacation up-north to take her mind off her bad parenting skills. Unfortunately, their water plane has to make an emergency landing where they soon discover a quaint island cottage belonging to a family of Walton loonies. “Ma” and “Pa” have been living there for years raising their family away from the evils of man and making Charles Manson’s home life seem idealic and folksy.
With no phones or electricity, Cynthia and her friends are trapped in an amish nightmare with ma and pa Crazy and their 3 adult children. They’re not like Tom Hanks in “Big.” dancing on giant pianos. They’re more likely to stab you in the eyeball with a unicorn statue just for looking at them wrong. They push people off swings over the side of cliffs and lynch others with jump ropes just for the kicks. Fannie, the menopausal daughter that thinks she’s perpetually twelve wants Cynthia for her new sister so they can put on dress up clothes and change the diapers on her prune faced baby corpse. Not feeling the love, Cynthia narrowly escapes with her friend Terri and a flare gun as they try to find a boat but manage only to blow one up instead. If only they made a raft from coconuts like the professor did.
They flee into the woods and Terri’s neck gets snapped like a twig just so some fat guy can drool on her while he plays bumper cars with her fun melons. The older brothers capture Cynthia who goes totally beserk-o and joins in for some family fun time of dressing up corpses in the basement and stabbing people with knitting needles. Finally, all those years of home economics classes are starting to pay off. Martha Stewart is only one decopauged drink coatster away from this level of nutty.
Barry Goodall says give American Gothic a try, it’s your patriotic duty. Just remember, never trust an amish man with a pitch fork and stay off homemade swings overlooking the sides of cliffs.
Roadside Attractions:
- death by playground equipment
- baby mummies
- knitting needle-fu
- shotgun to the back
- jump rope hanging
- flare gun-fu
- washtub bashing
- eye stabbin’
- neck snappin’
- human doll displays
- redneck whippin’
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